Life as of now

As I'm writing, I'm soaking in the words of the David Wilcox song, “Do I Dare”. I am being reminded of questions that are hauntingly familiar. “Do I dare believe and let love lead my life? Could I not believe and leave that love behind?” Looking over this season of my life, I see my tendencies to not believe in God’s love, and to leave it behind. Through the examination of my story and the characters in it, I am realizing that often the idol that sits in the place of worship in my life is feeling important and valued by those around me. Sadly, this is not a terribly new realization for me. I have long known that I seek the approval and affections of others. Yet, I am realizing again in this season of life how much effort I put into making myself valuable to others. I work so hard to earn love. It seems like this is all that I know how to do.

My sin has left my life in a mess. Maybe to others it may appear that my life is together, but I see that my sin separates me from the relationship with God that I was created for. I see how my sin distances me from relationships with others that are as meaningful and significant as originally intended. Caught…I’m caught between Eden and Heaven, and I feel the pull of feeling separated, yet longing for full-restoration.

Faced with these realizations, I could work uphill the rest of my life to make the broken pieces fit back together with as much neatness as I can possibly arrange for. I could seek to make my life work out as comfortably as possible, maximizing the pleasures and joys of life, minimizing the pain and brokenness. And while this is often the paradigm out of which I live, I am sensing a deeper, fuller calling. Instead of seeking to earn the love, affection, and value of others, what if I rested in the deep love of Christ? I am remembering that nothing, no height, no depth, not anything in all the earth can separate me from the love of God in Christ. I hear Him asking me why I spend my money on that which is not food and my labor for that which does not last. Why would I spend my time and talents to earn love from others, when I already have His? How different would my life be if I simply sought to please my Father, faithfully stewarding the things He’s asked me to?

This has been a difficult season of life for me, and I guess I’m being reminded that God has deep purpose for hardships and struggles in my life. He’s wanting to pull me away from all the places that I’m seeking life besides Him. He’s breaking me of settling for a life where things fall neatly in place. He’s opening me up to a deeper hope of simply knowing and loving Him more. So here I am, a 27 year old who feels like I should have figured these things out by now. I feel like I have always been learning this, and yet I sense that I will always be learning this. I will always be faced with the temptation to define myself by what I can do instead of as one who is a child of the Father. My prayer is that I equally embrace the struggles and joys of life, and I hope that both will lead me to a deeper love of Christ.