Transitioning

Among other things, google definestransition as:
• passage: the act of passing from one state or place to the next
• conversion: an event that results in a transformation
• a change from one place or state or subject or stage to another
Transitioning...am I? Am I changing? Am I in a passage? Am I in conversion?

As long as I can remember, I have always been on the husky side. Even in high school when I played competitive basketball and was in great shape, I was still a little hefty. I have never had the discipline or desire to diet or exercise frequently enough to address my weight. Because of that, I have continued to gain weight since college.

For the last two weeks, I have been counting calories and trying to run five days a week so that I can drop some weight and live in a healthier manner physically. As I have been doing so, I have had a few observations:

In my daily calorie count, I am aiming to consume between 1200-1400 calories each day. I am also allowing myself to have one day a week where I am in the 2000-2300 range. Now that I'm counting calories, I've realized that at times I would
consume 3000 or more calories in a day. That is very humbling to admit. But what I am finding is that by lowering my calories and eating healthier, I have significantly more energy and feel significantly better as I live out my day to day life. It's as if my body is telling me it's better to not gorge. My body does better when I'm not constantly filling and overwhelming it's capacities. Putting on weight and gorging robs me of energy.

One of the contributing factors to me finally buckling down and doing this has been a growing level of frustration over the fit of my clothes. I'm tired of having my clothes fit tightly. I'm tired of worrying about how I look when a shirt is too tight. I'm tired of being uncomfortable in jeans that are too tight. I want my clothes to fit well. I want to comfortably wear my clothes. And what I'm finding is that very, very slowly they are beginning to fit a little better. The past two days, I've worn a jacket that I haven't in the past because it's been too tight. And even though it still is a little bit tight, I am proud that I can wear it, and am excited for when it fits even better. I'm beginning to view my clothing differently. Instead of thinking primarily about how it fits now, I think more about how it is going to fit 2 months from now. My focus is less on where I am now, and more on where I am going. When I pull out clothes, I feel ok with them being a little bit tight, because I know soon enough, they won't be. I feel more confident on where I am now because I know I won't be at the same place in a month, 2 months, or a year. Knowing that I'm changing allows me to put my head down and keep working at changing. Having hope for change makes a difference now.

While happening very slowly, these transitions in my body have me thinking about heart transitions. They give me hope that I am changing. I am in a passage. I am converting.
I think that often, I gorge my heart and soul just like I have gorged my body in the past. My day is full of noise and distraction. My day starts with music to wake me up. It continues with noise in the car, noise at work, and noise at home. I'm filling up all the time. When am I leaving space? When am I not feeding on something? When am I not consuming? When do I have rhythms of quiet and still? I'm thinking that constantly filling up robs me of joy. Just like my body is doing better with less calories, maybe my soul would do better if I didn't always fill up. How do I steward my soul in a way that allows joyful response to the Gospel? That's what I want.

I also am thinking about sanctification. Am I becoming more of who I am supposed to be? Often the changes in my life feel like they happen so slow that I feel like I live out of despair, not hope. I think as I look at myself, it's good that I'm not content with where I am. But I think I should also live equally out of the hope for who God is making me to be. Just as I know that in 2 months I won't weigh what I do now, I know that in 2 months, I won't be the same person I am now. I know that because God has said so. He's transforming us from one degree of glory to another (2 Corinthians 3:18). He's making me more like Christ. What if I lived now with a view not only of the me now, but also the me I'm becoming? What if hope of transformation informed the way I live right now?

I don't write this to say that I can cause myself to grow. I can't make myself more like Christ. I can't earn God's love, favor, or presence. But as I work out my salvation with fear and trembling (Philippians 2:12), I should give thought to how I am caring for my soul. I should give thought what I am consuming and how that impacts who I'm becoming. I want the hope of who I'm becoming to shape the way I view myself, God, and others. I want hope to inspire joy. I don't want to be robbed of joy by constantly consuming and living only out of who I am now.

I am in transition. I always will be. Transition is a hard process. Maybe that explains why life is so often uncomfortable. But with transition also comes hope and joy. May hope and joy be squeezed out of me with each step of transition.