February Life: as is

At the outset of a new month, I am reminded that I am changing. My life is in motion. These changes are happening both short and long term.

-I am transitioning from the weekend to the work week.

-I am transitioning (slowly) from a man who wears XL to a man who wears L.

-I am transitioning from a boy to a man.

-I am transitioning out of Knoxville.

-I am transitioning in the ways I relate as a son, brother, and friend-both intentionally and unintentionally.

I am finding that in this constant motion, it is easier to go with the flow than to stop and take stock of what's happening in my life. In the midst transitions, I often live as a survivalist seeking to merely make it through whatever obstacles may come my way.

As I enter my life in February 2010, I am aware that this is the only February 2010 that I will be given. So why not be aware of what's happening in my life as I begin this month? Why not pay attention to my story and what God is teaching me in it?

Taking a step back to examine my life and the transitions that are taking place gives me the opportunity to appreciate the blessings that my life offers now. It gives hope a chance to exist even in the dark and heavy places that exist now. And ultimately, it enriches the ordinary and routine parts of my life, seasoning them with eternal perspective.

Right now, as I am transitioning in many places and many ways, I am finding that life is:

-Tangled

-Exciting/Hopeful

-Tender

-Normal

-Full

-On hold

As we being this new month, what words describe your life? Over the next few days/weeks, I plan to take time to digest the words I've listed. What do those words say about me: who I am, who I'm becoming, and what God is saying to me right now? May we all learn and choose to pay attention to life:as is.

Need

I need you...

These are words I often find myself speaking to God both privately and corporately.

Of late, I'm wondering about the significance of that statement. Do I say it with strings attached? Am I turning God into Santa Claus, saying "God I need you...to do this for me"?

I know that the best thing for me is more of God, yet if you watched the way I live my life, you'd say that what I really think I need most is food, time to watch tv, new music on my ipod, and whatever else draws my fickle attention and affection from moment to moment.

Like usual, I don't have a whole lot of poignant thoughts here, just a bunch of questions.

What does it mean to need God?

What does it mean to want God...for God only, not what He brings?

Does He get glory from my acknowledged need for Him?

What keeps me from receiving more of Him?

And here I am again, knowing that what I need more than answers is God. What I need more than figuring out life is God.

God, I need you...just for you...

Transitioning

Among other things, google definestransition as:
• passage: the act of passing from one state or place to the next
• conversion: an event that results in a transformation
• a change from one place or state or subject or stage to another
Transitioning...am I? Am I changing? Am I in a passage? Am I in conversion?

As long as I can remember, I have always been on the husky side. Even in high school when I played competitive basketball and was in great shape, I was still a little hefty. I have never had the discipline or desire to diet or exercise frequently enough to address my weight. Because of that, I have continued to gain weight since college.

For the last two weeks, I have been counting calories and trying to run five days a week so that I can drop some weight and live in a healthier manner physically. As I have been doing so, I have had a few observations:

In my daily calorie count, I am aiming to consume between 1200-1400 calories each day. I am also allowing myself to have one day a week where I am in the 2000-2300 range. Now that I'm counting calories, I've realized that at times I would
consume 3000 or more calories in a day. That is very humbling to admit. But what I am finding is that by lowering my calories and eating healthier, I have significantly more energy and feel significantly better as I live out my day to day life. It's as if my body is telling me it's better to not gorge. My body does better when I'm not constantly filling and overwhelming it's capacities. Putting on weight and gorging robs me of energy.

One of the contributing factors to me finally buckling down and doing this has been a growing level of frustration over the fit of my clothes. I'm tired of having my clothes fit tightly. I'm tired of worrying about how I look when a shirt is too tight. I'm tired of being uncomfortable in jeans that are too tight. I want my clothes to fit well. I want to comfortably wear my clothes. And what I'm finding is that very, very slowly they are beginning to fit a little better. The past two days, I've worn a jacket that I haven't in the past because it's been too tight. And even though it still is a little bit tight, I am proud that I can wear it, and am excited for when it fits even better. I'm beginning to view my clothing differently. Instead of thinking primarily about how it fits now, I think more about how it is going to fit 2 months from now. My focus is less on where I am now, and more on where I am going. When I pull out clothes, I feel ok with them being a little bit tight, because I know soon enough, they won't be. I feel more confident on where I am now because I know I won't be at the same place in a month, 2 months, or a year. Knowing that I'm changing allows me to put my head down and keep working at changing. Having hope for change makes a difference now.

While happening very slowly, these transitions in my body have me thinking about heart transitions. They give me hope that I am changing. I am in a passage. I am converting.
I think that often, I gorge my heart and soul just like I have gorged my body in the past. My day is full of noise and distraction. My day starts with music to wake me up. It continues with noise in the car, noise at work, and noise at home. I'm filling up all the time. When am I leaving space? When am I not feeding on something? When am I not consuming? When do I have rhythms of quiet and still? I'm thinking that constantly filling up robs me of joy. Just like my body is doing better with less calories, maybe my soul would do better if I didn't always fill up. How do I steward my soul in a way that allows joyful response to the Gospel? That's what I want.

I also am thinking about sanctification. Am I becoming more of who I am supposed to be? Often the changes in my life feel like they happen so slow that I feel like I live out of despair, not hope. I think as I look at myself, it's good that I'm not content with where I am. But I think I should also live equally out of the hope for who God is making me to be. Just as I know that in 2 months I won't weigh what I do now, I know that in 2 months, I won't be the same person I am now. I know that because God has said so. He's transforming us from one degree of glory to another (2 Corinthians 3:18). He's making me more like Christ. What if I lived now with a view not only of the me now, but also the me I'm becoming? What if hope of transformation informed the way I live right now?

I don't write this to say that I can cause myself to grow. I can't make myself more like Christ. I can't earn God's love, favor, or presence. But as I work out my salvation with fear and trembling (Philippians 2:12), I should give thought to how I am caring for my soul. I should give thought what I am consuming and how that impacts who I'm becoming. I want the hope of who I'm becoming to shape the way I view myself, God, and others. I want hope to inspire joy. I don't want to be robbed of joy by constantly consuming and living only out of who I am now.

I am in transition. I always will be. Transition is a hard process. Maybe that explains why life is so often uncomfortable. But with transition also comes hope and joy. May hope and joy be squeezed out of me with each step of transition.

Seasoning

What if God's love for us wasn't deep?
What if God didn't offer grace or mercy?
What if Jesus didn't come to live the life we're called to and die the death we deserve?
Maybe a picture of things that might be said if God wasn't these things:
(While this doesn't all fit musically, this is intended to be the opposite of "How Deep thee Father's Love")

How apathetic the Father's love for us
It's selfish like a child
He closed His door and left us out
In our wretched shame and sorrow
How great our pain and loneliness
We bear sin alone
My wounds will fester all my life
And be that which defines me

I am the man upon my cross
My sin is on my shoulders
Condemning yells are all I hear
From Satan, myself, and others
It's my own sin that holds me here
Justice never fully accomplished
Each painful breath will bring more death
Forever and forever

I will boast in anything
That gives me worth and meaning
So that I may numb the pain
Of emptiness and longing
Congratulate me for how I make
My life look so together
But deep inside I'll always know
I'm empty, undone, and broken


Thankfully, God is merciful, has deep love, etc. so we can and do sing truths like:
How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure
How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocing voice,
Call out among the scoffers
It was my sin that helf Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast inJesus Christ
His death and resurrection
Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

Life as of now

As I'm writing, I'm soaking in the words of the David Wilcox song, “Do I Dare”. I am being reminded of questions that are hauntingly familiar. “Do I dare believe and let love lead my life? Could I not believe and leave that love behind?” Looking over this season of my life, I see my tendencies to not believe in God’s love, and to leave it behind. Through the examination of my story and the characters in it, I am realizing that often the idol that sits in the place of worship in my life is feeling important and valued by those around me. Sadly, this is not a terribly new realization for me. I have long known that I seek the approval and affections of others. Yet, I am realizing again in this season of life how much effort I put into making myself valuable to others. I work so hard to earn love. It seems like this is all that I know how to do.

My sin has left my life in a mess. Maybe to others it may appear that my life is together, but I see that my sin separates me from the relationship with God that I was created for. I see how my sin distances me from relationships with others that are as meaningful and significant as originally intended. Caught…I’m caught between Eden and Heaven, and I feel the pull of feeling separated, yet longing for full-restoration.

Faced with these realizations, I could work uphill the rest of my life to make the broken pieces fit back together with as much neatness as I can possibly arrange for. I could seek to make my life work out as comfortably as possible, maximizing the pleasures and joys of life, minimizing the pain and brokenness. And while this is often the paradigm out of which I live, I am sensing a deeper, fuller calling. Instead of seeking to earn the love, affection, and value of others, what if I rested in the deep love of Christ? I am remembering that nothing, no height, no depth, not anything in all the earth can separate me from the love of God in Christ. I hear Him asking me why I spend my money on that which is not food and my labor for that which does not last. Why would I spend my time and talents to earn love from others, when I already have His? How different would my life be if I simply sought to please my Father, faithfully stewarding the things He’s asked me to?

This has been a difficult season of life for me, and I guess I’m being reminded that God has deep purpose for hardships and struggles in my life. He’s wanting to pull me away from all the places that I’m seeking life besides Him. He’s breaking me of settling for a life where things fall neatly in place. He’s opening me up to a deeper hope of simply knowing and loving Him more. So here I am, a 27 year old who feels like I should have figured these things out by now. I feel like I have always been learning this, and yet I sense that I will always be learning this. I will always be faced with the temptation to define myself by what I can do instead of as one who is a child of the Father. My prayer is that I equally embrace the struggles and joys of life, and I hope that both will lead me to a deeper love of Christ.

5 Words

I was talking with a friend last week about 1 Corinthians 14 where Paul is talking about prophecy, tongues, and gifts of the Spirit. We got to talking specifically about verse 19 where he says "Nevertheless, in church I would rather speak five words with my mind in order to instruct others, than ten thousand words in a tongue."
I'm not interested in a conversation about speaking in tongues or not speaking in tongues...but as we talked, I was struck with the question of what 5 words Paul would say to me if he only had 5 words he could speak to me.

If you could use only 5 words to express the Gospel, what 5 words would you use?

Thankfully, we have the opportunity to use more than 5 words, but it was just an interesting thought for me. Interested to see what/if any kind of responses you may have...

why?

why do i...
-think the world revolves around me?
-want the world to revovle around me?
-not trust that His love is enough?
-do so many things that war against my heart/soul?
-live such a noisy life?
-care so much about things that don't matter?
-care so little about things that do?